Shaggy dog stories

Paradise lost

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, after which I will judge who has done the better job."

So they sat at their keyboards and typed away.

They moused away.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent out email.

They sent out email with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy report.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And, of course, the electricity went off.

After a bit the rain stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do?"

He asked Jesus if he had lost his work, too.

Jesus just sat and smiled and calmly turned his computer back on. The screen glowed and when

He pushed "print" all His work was there.

"How did He do it?", Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saved."

Why I am overworked, by a frustrated American

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Executive decision

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down- down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in hell."

So St.Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled.

"Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

The importance of getting drunk

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verify and validate the causal link between all- weekend parties, and the achievement of excellence in all disciplines. It also explains why, after a few short years after leaving university and getting married, most workers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regime of voracious alcohol consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved in their college years.

If you feel that you are losing your competitive and technological edge, do not sit and shudder at home - get back into the pub.

VIRUS ALERT

A very serious warning to all office workers.

If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter 'work' via email, the virus can only be reversed by sending an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your shit...I'm off down the pub'in it. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends; order three pints of beer.

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' no longer has any relevance to you and that 'Captain Caveman' was the greatest cartoon ever.

Alert everyone in your mailbox to this message. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then

I'm afraid the 'work' virus has corrupted your life. Go out and get some friends.

Hot air

A man in a hot air balloon is lost in the mist. He reduces height and, spotting a man below, shouts, "excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man replies, "yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.

"I do, but how do you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it is no use to anyone."

The man below says, "you must work in business."

"I do, but how do you know?"

"Well," says the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Getting it in the neck

A man goes into a bar wearing a shirt open at the collar, and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the man goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jump leads in his boot. In desperation he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the bar and the bouncer carefully looks him over, and then says:

"Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

Hook and eye

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "so, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies, "Har, we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Har," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Har", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Last orders

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian, grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives and married a pair of sisters. But now Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by friends.

He calls out, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brian walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian bursts into tears. "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Insult to injury

When I'm having a really bad day and people are going out of their way to to piss me off, I gain strength from the knowledge that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my fingers and tell them to sod off.

Hard candy

A soft mint and an extra strong mint are sitting in a pub. The strong mint is giving it some, trying to make out he's pretty tough.

"Alright then," says the soft mint, "if you're so tough, you've got to take on the next sweet through the door."

"Done," says the strong mint, feeling pretty self assured. Sure enough the door opens and in walks a humbug. The strong mint jumps up, runs over and nuts him. All that's left is a pile of crumbly humbug pieces.

"Not bad," concedes the soft mint, "but they aren't too hard those humbugs. Try the next one."

Before he can finish the door opens and in walks a Maltezer. The strong mint nuts him, crumbling the Maltezer.

"Alright I'll admit you're tough if you can do three out of three; I can't argue with those figures," says the soft mint.

So the door opens and in walks a Tune. The strong mint jumps up and runs into the toilet. The soft mint follows him and finds him leaning over the basin, shaking. "What's up?" he says. "I thought you were the toughest sweet around."

"Yeh," says the strong mint." But I ain't touching him, he's bloody menthol."

Dessert fever

Two men lost in the desert, hours away from death, see a group of tents in the distance.

Realising this may be their salvation, they stagger towards them.

Entering the first tent, one of them gasps at the Arab trader within: "water, water.." The trader replies, "I'm sorry my friend, I've only got mixed fruit here."

"WHAT?" replies the man.

"Yeh just mixed fruit, sorry. Try next door." So entering the next tent, the man gasps: "water, for the love of God."

The second trader replies, "I'm terribly sorry I've only got jelly."

"What? I don't believe this," says the man.

"Yeh loads of jelly. There might be water in the last tent, try there," suggests the trader.

Reaching the last tent they crawl in. "Water, water" gasps the man. The trader, looking apologetic says, "I'm sorry I've only got custard here."

The men, now distraught, say: "Right, to hell with you and your tents." And they stagger off into the desert. A little later, one man turns to the other and says, "back there with them tents, that was a bit weird wasn't it." The other bloke says, "Yeh, it was a trifle bazaar."

Motorway goes into a pub.

Motorway: Give me a pint!

Barman: There you go. That'll be Ł2.20

Motorway: I'm not paying for this. I'm mad I am, MAD.

Barman: Alright, alright keep your money.

Motorway sits in the corner of the pub, drinking its pint.

Dual carriageway goes into the pub.

Dual carriageway: Give me a pint!

Barman: There you go. That'll be Ł2.20.

Dual carriageway: I'm not paying for this. I'm mad I am, MAD.

Barman: Not another nutter.

Dual carriageway: I'm bloody mad I am.

Barman: Alright, alright keep it.

Dual carriageway and Motorway sit in the corner of the pub drinking their pints.

Tarmac walks into the pub.

Tarmac: Give me a pint

Barman: There you go. That'll be Ł2.20.

Tarmac: I'm not paying for this. I'm mad I am, MAD.

Barman: Look I'm not having this. No more free pints!

Dual carriageway and Motorway: (Shaking their heads) You'd better let him have it, he's a cycle path

Crash

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies: "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continues: "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait until the police arrive..."

Good spirits

Here is an interesting Ghandi fact. Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the extent that his feet became quite thick and hard. He was also a spiritual person. Even when on hunger strike, he did not eat much and became thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a "super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".

Back to jokes index....