I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA yesterday:
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."
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Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!" Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
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This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.
Southend ATC: National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft.
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.
NAA676: Southend 676 is passing 2000, climbing
Southend ATC: 676 call London 128.6
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90)
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft ?
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!
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About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line. The Sales Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something we could handle, so I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive about 20 or so miles south of Kansas City.
The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City Int'l in a Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land......
KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
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ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
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Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:
(Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm,
we don't
have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
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What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots? American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
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Top Ten New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines (From David Letterman)
10. We're Amtrak with WIngs
9. Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program
8. Ask About Out-of-Court Settlements
7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'Em Off!
6. Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall
5. Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You
4. The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides
3. Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us
2. Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose
1. We Might Be Landing on Your Street!
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A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes- ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
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