"TOULOUSE, French aviation authorities here admitted to a near-disaster which occured about a month ago aboard an Airbus A320 jetliner. The controversial aircraft with its 'fly-by-wire' flight controls has been the subject of intense controversy since its introduction. The manufacturer, a consortium of European interests, has steadfastly maintained the aircraft's inherent safety over other aircraft, largely as a result of the computerized controls which limit inputs from the pilots to ensure they are always compatible with the current aerodynamic state of the plane. Pilots and other pundits have argued that these same safeguards can severely limit the crew's options in emergency conditions. Additionally, they argue that the increased faith placed in the on-board computers leads to crew complacency and inattentiveness.

"The incident in question took place while the aircraft, a British Airways plane, was at cruise between New York and Fairbanks. The co-pilot was apparently entering new navigational data into the craft's INS (Inertial Navigation System) when he misstyped a code. The INS came back with 'Invalid PIN number selected' and returned the craft's weight and balance data to the astonished crew.

'We tried several more times," exclaimed Reginald Dwight, the Captain, 'and every time it was the same thing. On the third try it said "Access violation, contact your credit institution if you believe there is an error."

At that point all the plane's controls froze and it refused to respond to our commands. We didn't know what to do, so we got on the radio."

:British Airway's mechanics were equally dumbfounded and decided to call French mechanics. France's Aerospatial is the prime contractor for the aircraft. 'The French were totally rude to us,' stated an unnamed BA mechanic. 'They stated the problem was our fault and that "the pasty little Englishman probably had too many meat pies and Guiness".'

'It wasn't until we told them that Jerry Lewis was aboard the flight that they became concerned.'

"French mechanics traced the problem to the ATM-6000 INS computer, which was a modified version of a computer used in the United States for bank transactions. 'Essentially, the INS decided that the co-pilot was trying to rip-off someone and locked the controls.' French authorities then assured the English crew that the system would automatically remove the restrictions at the start of the next banking day. 'We told them that we would be in the sea by then!' exclaimed the frustrated copilot, Nigel Whitworth.

"A French team, headed by Bertrand Swatboutie, determined that manual control of the plane could be re-established if a crewmember went back to the tailcone and operated the elevators manually. The rudder is linked by backup cables to the cockpit and with the crewmember operating the elevator they determined they would have enough control. 'There is nothing wrong with ze plane,' exclaimed Swatboutie, 'that a little pinch in the rear will not cure. Just like a woman. If these English souffres knew anything about women, they would never have had to call us in the first place.'

"The plane was able to safely land at Denver's Stapelton airport, where the craft was repaired and all crewmember's credit histories reviewed." ================================================================

The Northrop Corporation has taken legal action to prevent a Texas company from marketing a new product Northrop says might be confused with its B-2 Stealth bomber.

The product: Stealth Condoms.

The slogan? They'll never see you coming.

Stealth condoms come in packages shaped like the bomber. They are $5 for a package of three; one red, one white, one blue. Also there's the matter of [the owner's] voice mail message, "Howdy, this is John. Me and the rest of the Stealth test pilots are out right now . . ."

[The owner] says he will fight to keep his company and name. He feels he's got the better product: "We offer a heck of a lot more protection than the Stealth bomber, at a lot less cost." ================================================================

I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot." ================================================================

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